How To (Not) Get Over A Guy (rough)

Take it from me: the best way to get over a guy is to never stop thinking about him. Cloud your thoughts with him every waking moment. Think about the colour of his hair and the shade of his eyes; remember the things he said and the way he laughed; fantasize about him and when you’re asleep, dream about him.

Think of the first time you met and how sweet he looked, how he smiled at the sight of you and never met your eyes. Think about how he smelled of laundry detergent and cologne, and how the very last time you stayed at his place you went into his linen closet and just smelled all his towels and bedsheets trying to memorize the scent. Think of the Lucky Strikes he smoked and how you started smoking them after he left you just so you could be reminded of him on a regular basis (as if you needed the prompt to remember him). He is always not he centre stage of your mind, hogging the spotlight from the more important things in your life. Your friends say you are hung up on him and maybe they’re right, but who cares?

You know that song that always reminds you of him? That song that you never thought was all that great until it became a link to him and now all of a sudden it’s literally the greatest song ever? Play that song on repeat and when you tire of it, play it louder. Listen to it ad nauseam so you wake up with it stuck in your head. Listen to it especially when you are drunk and feeling the most emotional, and in your intoxicated state send him drunk texts asking him why he’s so happy without you. Demand an explanation from him and get increasingly angry and aggressive when he fails to acknowledge your madness [insanity?].

If you start thinking of the way he rejected you and your wounded heart begins to throb with that special pain only the man you love can administer, stalk him on Facebook. That’s why you added him after all, wasn’t it? Browse through all the photos of him and especially torture yourself by lingering extra long on the photos where he has his arms around another girl or, even better, is kissing another girl. She could be a friend or an a girlfriend or an ex, it doesn’t really matter. The effect will be the same.

If you’re lucky enough to have photos of him that you took, print them out and paste them in your diary so you can ogle them often. Stare at those photos of him and remember how he touched you. Wallow in the unhappiness of knowing he’ll never touch you again. Wallow in the unhappiness of knowing there will likely be no one who will ignite that spark in you that begins in your loins and ends in your soul. Never again will there be that same sense of full-bodied satisfaction and the satisfaction of all your darkest fantasies come alive. Your days of sexual satisfaction are over for now. Once again begins the process of finding someone to replace him but no one will come close for a while. They will all try and fail and you’ll just miss him even more. Good.

Recall the tender moments you shared. Revel in them. They’ll make you sad, but that doesn’t matter. Torture yourself with thoughts of the good times now gone and never to return. Torture yourself with memories and let your mind and body ache with the longing and need for him. Your friends will tell you it’s no good to torment yourself like this, that he’s not worth it, but fuck them. Wallow in that agony and be an emotional masochist. Hate yourself for not being good enough for him, but never hate him. Continue to love him and pine for him, and don’t ever listen to the Negative Nancys who say that you’ll forget him one day. That is not the goal at all.

Take it from me: this is the best way to get over a guy.